Weight: 825g (a robust and handsome weight befitting a seafaring gentleman)
Dimensions: 375mm × 425mm × 20mm (14.8″ × 16.7″ × 0.8″)
Materials: Acrylic paint on wood with wooden frame
Odour Enhancement: Bolstered by an automotive air freshener (one of those delightful cardboard contraptions designed to make cars smell civilised)
Technique: Painted by hand with an actual paintbrush (a traditional approach within the Terribleist oeuvre)
Entertainment Guarantee: Each viewer receives at least 1.5 minutes of pleasure value, with some particularly enlightened observers enjoying up to several minutes of sustained viewing joy.
Fire Safety: Not treated with fire retardant, but compact enough for most healthy safes.
Versatility: Highly entertaining for both visitors and guests alike, serving as an excellent conversation starter about the nature of artistic production and quality concerns.
Investment Analysis: Maritime portraiture has historically shown strong market performance, particularly when featuring mysterious brick-related props. The automotive air freshener enhancement adds contemporary relevance that will likely appreciate as future generations seek to understand early 21st-century domestic life. Captain Mills himself may become increasingly significant as naval history gains cultural prominence.
This terrible, badly crafted painting channels the aesthetic energy of a child’s first artistic attempts whilst depicting Captain Mills wearing a fez (that magnificent Turkish felt hat that graces the heads of magicians and distinguished gentlemen). Behind the Captain lurks a portrait of Frankenstein’s monster, to further complicate an already confused composition. Beautiful.
The scene was immortalised in the artist’s kitchen, lending it the authentic domestic chaos that elevates mediocre art to truly terrible heights. Most significantly, the Captain holds the artist’s favourite piece of art—a standard brick transformed into a telephone, suggesting deep philosophical questions about communication, construction, and the fundamental absurdity of modern life.
