Weight: 230g (minuscule yet regal)
Dimensions: 300mm × 400mm × 18mm (11.8″ × 15.7″ × 0.7″)
Materials: Acrylic on cheap Lidl canvas (part of a seven-for-three-pounds sterling set)
Odour Enhancement: Yeast extract rubbed into the wooden frame backing for umami attraction of both flies and casual viewers
Technique: Painted by foot whilst wearing non-latex gloves
Longevity Guarantee: Guaranteed to last at least five years, more likely approaching a century if properly safe’d.
Royal Approval: No official royal response has been received, which I interpret as tacit approval.
Investment Analysis: Royal portraiture has historically provided stable long-term returns, particularly during periods of constitutional uncertainty. The yeast extract enhancement creates a unique market position that cannot be replicated by competing royal portraits. The deliberate use of discount canvas materials paradoxically increases value by demonstrating the artist’s commitment to authentic terrible art principles over mere commercial considerations.
This portrait of His Majesty employs a variety of colours highlighted by genuine gold paint for the crown and sceptre, lending authentic regal splendour to what might otherwise be merely a foot-painted portrait. The use of supermarket-grade canvas demonstrates the Terribleist principle that great art transcends its materials.
Currently the artist’s second-favourite portrait (though rankings fluctuate daily), this piece can be displayed in any of four orientations, though it’s best viewed right-way-up. Upside-down viewing, whilst amusing, is now considered passé in Terribleist circles and should be reserved for special occasions.
The yeast extract enhancement creates a beautiful umami fragrance that attracts both insects and human attention, adding a multi-sensory dimension to the royal viewing experience.
